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On the eve of Forest's clash with D*rby, Paul Hart decides not to waste his players energy and give everyone a rest. Bar David Johnson, who needs to regain match fitness. Johno says "Don't worry lads, you go for a pint, I'll play myself. Hart and the rest all agree this is a good idea and go down the local. A short while after kick off, Scimeca remembers the game, breaks off from his pool game and looks up the score on ceefax. The screen shows the scoreline:
| Forest 1 |
D*rby 0 |
| Johnson 10 |
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Content with the scoreline, the lads settle back down to the pool game in hand and play until full time. Looking up at ceefax again, the Forest players see D*rby have managed to draw the game with a last minute penalty. Then Johno comes into the pub looking very pissed off.
"What happened?" asks Harty.
The angry striker replies "I was doing alright to start off with, but then the fucking ref sent me off on 11 minutes!"
An Evening Post reporter is walking through Sneinton looking for a story when he see's a group of lads playing football, suddenly a Pit Bull runs out and starts attacking one of the boys. One of the lads jumps on the dog puts his arm round its throat and throttles it saving his pal from certain death. The reporter runs over and says thats the bravest thing I've ever seen I'm going to write a story about it I can see the headline now 'Heroic Forest fans save's pal in devil dog attack horror'. Thanks says the lad but I don't support Pompey, thats ok says the reporter in that case it will read 'Brave Man Utd fan saves pals life in dog attack', but I'm not a Man U fan either says the boy. In desperation the reporter asks well who do you support? Well I'm new to this area, actually I support Derby replies the boy. The following night the report is front page news with the headline 'Sheep cu*t kills family pet'
D*rby girl who's got 10 kids was asked how do you remember their names?
Well there all called Wayne. That way I just shout Wayne and they all come in.
she was asked "well what if you only want one of them"?
"well that's more difficult" She said, " then I have to use their surnames"
Reasons why sheep make better lovers than Women (taken from the "Penguin guide to life in Derbyshire")
- Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth
- You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear
- Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather
- Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease
- Nuttin' beats mutton
- Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel
- Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early
- Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down
- Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them
- No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a willing ewe
- Sheep are never concerned about their reputation
- Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you couldn't get it up
- Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't get it up for the second time
- Sheep never insist on eating out
- You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of Mel Gibson
- Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late
- Sheep don't get moody once a month
- You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your teeth
- A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of her life after one roll in the hay
- A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed
- A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon
- A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car
- A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains
- A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and pay
- A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your pickup
- A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy
- A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator
- A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the bedroom
- A sheep will never sue you for palimony
- A sheep won't care if you screw her sister
- A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is
- A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while you're screwing
- A sheep won't use you razor to shave its legs, or your pocket knife to open a paint can
- Sheep never have a headache
- A sheep won't give your favorite football shirt to Goodwill
- A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom
- A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons
- Sheep grow their own fur coats
- A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when you're having friends over to watch football
- Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend
- A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning
- Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex
- A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up
- A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator
- A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style
- A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom
- Sheep are "ram tough"
- A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear levis with a hole in the seat, open beer bottles with your teeth...
- Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on
- Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning
- Sheep don't mind doing it in a transit van
- A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake the kids, you'll wake the neighbours, she's too drunk to enjoy it, she's not drunk enough to enjoy it
- A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber
John Gregory is apparently sending his whole squad on diving lessons - he has heard that there are 20,000 leagues under the sea and reckons Derby might just win one of them!
Why is Ravenelli like a tea tray?
He has to carry 10 mugs!
John Gregory was out shopping one day, in a Derby High Street (no, really, they have shops), when he saw an old lady struggling with her shopping.
Gregory: "Can you manage, luv?"
Lady: "Up yours Gregory! You took the job, you're stuck with it!"
Money saving tip
Fed up of forking out for a Derby kit just to show your support?
Simply attach a strap-on dildo to your forehead and it will be perfectly clear to everyone who you support.
John Gregory was out walking his dog one day, when he bumped into Ravenelli. As they were approaching a pub, he asked Rav if he wanted to go in for a few pints. Anyway, they were standing at the bar, with the dog on the leash, when a man walks towards the dog, looks under the dog's tail, and walks away. Gregory and Ravenelli just looked at each other blankly. A few minutes later, another man does the same thing, and simply walks away.
Gregory asks Ravenelli, "Why's everyone looking under my dog's tail?".
"Don't know" replies Rav, "But the next person that does it, we'll pull him up and ask him what he's doing".
Anyway, a few moments later, another man pulls up the dogs tail, looks at it, but this time, as he was about to walk away, Ravenelli stops him and asks why is everyone looking under John's dog's tail. The man replies, "Because there's a man outside telling everybody that there's a dog inside with two arseholes."
Two sheep with Foot and Mouth are standing in a field. One turns to the other and says "I hope they send Ravenelli to shoot me"
Why is it George Michael's ambition to play in goal for Derby?
Because he'd have have 10 arseholes in front of him and 30,000 pricks behind him.
What's the difference between pride park and a hedgehog?
On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside
The seven Dwarfs are down in the cave when it collapses.Snow White runs to the entrance and shouts down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out 'Derby county are good enough to win the European Cup'. Snow White pauses then says 'at least Dopey's still alive'.
A man goes into East Midlands airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge waiting for his flight out on holiday to be called. All around him there is overturned tables, upturned chairs, smashed windows, flight monitors broken and crowd control barriers on the floor. 'Christ whats happened here?' he asks one of the ground crew.
'Oh yeah,' he replies. 'Bloody hopeless.... we had the Derby players in trying to film the new nike advert.'
Rumour has it that to cut the cost of repairs for Derby's scoreboard, only the light bulbs in the half to show the opponents score will be fixed. The other half will just have 'Derby 0' painted on it in emulsion.
Someone asked me the other day what time Derby kick off. I replied by saying 'every ten minutes'.
What's the difference between a female D*rby Fan and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What do you call 20 D*rby Fans skydiving from an airplane?
Diahorrea.
If you see a D*rby fan on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bike.
What do D*rby Fans and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead D*rby Fan in the Road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What do you have when 100 D*rby Fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a D*rby Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the D*rby Fan, twice.
What do D*rby Fans use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, an intelligent D*rby fan and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note on the floor. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythical creatures.
What is the difference between a D*rby Fan and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
A primary teacher starts a new job in the Midlands and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Derby County fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Derby fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?
"Because I'm not a Derby fan miss, she replies.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: Well, if you're not a Derby fan, then who are you a fan of?
"I'm a Forest fan, and proud of it, Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Forest fan?
"Because my mum and dad are from Nottingham, and my mum is a Forest fan, my dad is a Forest fan, so I'm a Forest fan too!
Well, said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, that's no reason for you to be a Forest fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time! What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief? What would you be then?
"Then, Mary smiled, I'd be a Derby fan...
What does EDS stand for?
Eleven Dead Sheep
A Derby fan and his girlfriend were going to spend their first night together. As he was taking his trousers off, his girlfriend noticed his knees were all knobbly and misshapen.
He saw her looking at them and replied "As a boy I had knee-monia."
"Don't you mean pneumonia?" she said.
He said "no it was knee-monia."
He then took his socks off and again she noticed his crooked and misshapen toes.
Again he replied "As a boy I had toelio."
"Don't you mean polio?" she said.
"No he replied, definitely toelio."
He then took off his underpants and she exclaimed "Don't tell me, you also had small-cox."
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